The Crazy Tale of the French Apartment

As a new married couple, Paetur and I were so excited to finally be getting our apartment in Menton, France. It was two minutes from the beach, had lots of natural light and was very cozy. The whole building was empty for most of the year. We had the top floor of a small villa, with 3 other apartments in the complex. It was quiet and we didn’t have to worry about confronting neighbours.

We moved our stuff in far before the wedding, so that everything was ready. Two Ikea trips, a few Maison Du Monde trips (a french decor store, that I miss so much), and a trip to the market, and our apartment was ready for the wedding night, when we officially moved in.

Initially, the apartment was great! Perfect for a young couple, just starting out. The apartment was a one bedroom with a detached bathroom, a kitchen that was open concept to the dining and living room, and then a small crawl space upstairs, that had a cute, little sliding ladder that took you up. One day Paetur went up to grab something from the attic and saw that there was a spider infestation. I hate spiders, especially these jumping spiders that bite and leave an itchy bump. So we immediately had to empty and spray the whole area to get rid of these pesky little suckers. They jump, I jump back real quick I'm telling you.

After that we finally managed to settle back in, and then our laundry machine broke! It was a great one too because it had a washer and dryer option. I realise how lame that sounds, but I love having a dryer (which is rare in Europe)! Most people hang their clothes and let them dry outside. When our new washer came it no longer had the dryer option so we had to get a rack to hang our clothes on. This meant that they would stand on our small balcony in the sun, for everyone to view my underwear, but then the second the weather turned I had to drag it back inside, and also do this in the damp evenings, then back out in the morning. Our apartment was so small and this rack was so big, it wasn’t easy to manoeuvre it in and out of the apartment, especially with my illness and constant pain. I rarely did laundry because of this. We would have two large baskets overflowing with clothes before I’d touch it. My husband and I hated it, although it wasn’t the worst we’d experienced, so hang on for this true and wild ride, known as the first year of our marriage.

After the washing machine breaking and the spider infestation, we had a rat problem. Yes, rats. Rats were coming and living, pooping and peeing on our balconies. They lived in our garden and we could see that they ate the oranges that fell off our trees. At least they had the decency to stay outside and not storm my home with their citrus poops. Whenever we’d leave the apartment or come home, we could always hear them run back to the bushes where their little home was. Disgusting! So we had to (or more accurately, my husband had to) lay these pink pellets of poison. And then bye bye rats! After laying traps that came up empty, we knew the problem was gone, may it rest in peace, but not in my garden!

After the rats, the broken washing machine, and the spider infestation, we spotted another special surprise… water damage! We had the pleasure of sleeping beside a wet wall with black mold growing down it. This also went into the bathroom. When we told our landlord and she got some contractors over, we then found out that there must be a small hole somewhere in the roof, and that the whole roof would have to be re-done, and the damage in the apartment fixed. So we had to leave for a month. This is where things get complicated. First off we took everything out of the bedroom and bathroom and put it in our living room. That included my very special wedding memorabilia. We taped off that section with plastic so that it was sealed and couldn’t get all dirty. Less to clean, brilliant! Next we had to look for an Airbnb which was hard to find in the same price range as our apartment. These Airbnb’s are in the French Riviera in the summer, and location, location, location, as they say. The apartments were way over our budget, and we didn’t find it fair to have to dish out thousands of euros just to find an equivalent fit for living the next month out. So we found a small place that was like a cottage just off someone's farm property. We went in with all our bags, and it was small. The kitchen had about 3 inches of counter space, the living room was maybe all of 5 feet, and the bedroom had the bathroom in it. Like just all up in our business. I don’t even want to tell you what that shower looked like. Not only that, but as we started to unpack, and my dad said his goodbyes from dropping us off, we started to see these huge beetle-like bugs everywhere… When you killed them it made a gross crunching sound. In about 15-20 minutes of being there, we had killed about 50 bugs. I know, (again) disgusting! So we called my dad to turn that car around, packed our bags, and politely asked to leave the horror house.

After the gross Airbnb, the rats, the broken washing machine, and the spider infestation, we then had to move into my parents' one bedroom apartment. It was four people and one dog, in a small french apartment. You can use your imagination. We really didn’t mind this (especially compared to the bug fantasyland), and we had actually done this before. During the COVID lockdowns we all stayed together! All of us get along really well and love to watch movies, play games, go for walks, and go swimming. So this really wasn’t all that big of a change and we felt a lot more comfortable. Once we went to check back on our apartment, they had ripped open an “off limits area”, the one we had carefully taped up with plastic, and they used our kitchen. My wedding dress, all the furniture, the surfaces in the kitchen– everything had dust and dirt all over it. It was horrible.

After living with my parents, leaving the gross Airbnb, the rats, the broken washing machine, and the spider infestation, we were finally able to return home. Some work still had to be done, and some of it was not sufficiently done in the first place, but we could finally sleep in our own bed and so could my parents. A few times a week there would be workmen tromping with their muddy boots through my home and up my white, cute, little ladder, into the attic. There was a window up there so they had easy access to the roof. Not that they really needed it, they had scaffolding around the whole front of our building, our entire view was now metal. They were Italian, and spoke no English, they stunk, they destroyed one of our buckets with cement, and they were never on time, hard working or doing a good job. It was stressful! At this point we felt bad calling our landlord all the time and trying to get this problem and the next fixed.

After the gross Italian workman, living with my parents, leaving the gross Airbnb, the rats, the broken washing machine, and the spider infestation, we discovered some beautiful little gifts in our attic… mice droppings! We assume that they or it, came through the hole in the roof and that the hole maybe was never even closed properly, so there it was, mice droppings. We put out poison and traps and we never saw it again. They left back through the infamous hole they came through. I couldn’t sleep or stay there at this point. I was so grossed out and angry and scared of the mice. They were IN MY HOME! Again, DISGUSTING! So we stayed with my parents again until we were in the clear.

After the mice, the gross Italian workman, living with my parents, leaving the gross Airbnb, the rats, the broken washing machine, and the spider infestation, we smelt something horrid in the kitchen, or in the wall… it was like a rat had died and started rotting. We couldn’t bear the smell, it was so bad. We left (again) and went to stay with my parents (again) and talked with our landlord (again) and did some research on this mysterious smell. Apparently, there is a tray under your fridge and the fridge can leak. Sometimes that tray gets moldy and the liquid does too. It was filled with mold. My husband took care of it (thank goodness) and after a few days and a few scented candles, the smell was gone. Poof, like magic.

I believe it was around this point that my mind shut down and I blocked out the rest of the horrors, the gardener cutting the wifi cord, the landlord trying to rip us off when buying our closet, and saying we should pay for some of the damages of the apartment that weren’t ours to pay… The list is long and seems never ending. Unlucky yes, have we upgraded now to better living? Definitely.